Unbecoming

August 30, 2017

Written in reflection on 5/24/16

Unbecoming

We see, when the work is complete, the artists vision.

Only when darkness fades away will light reveal hidden secrets

Truths won’t hurt as much, and even now, their sting diminished-

time itself is not the healer

I have discovered.

Masks won’t hide truth

Forever.

When we see with eyes open inward,

the reflection of others living iwithin

A Great Truth is born

In that moment, we see one another

truly see

our lies are the same.

And that truth makes me love you

Even if I don’t know you

Even if I don’t know myself.

To become real,

painfully

beautifully

alive

somehow we must die

taking our lies with us.

It is this process of unbecoming everything, that we find ourselves.

I once thought I came to this desert to live, believing I fell in love with the freedom calling to me from the ocean deep skies and the colorful wild spirit of the land.

In this place I believed my spirit would dance with birds on the wind and I would become everything.

I came and cracked my heart open,

to the rocks and sacred land I told everything

walking the red earth confused and saddened

Not understanding that I came here to die.

I arrived holding tightly the image of who I thought I was

who I thought I should be.

Believing my purpose was to solidify and follow through with vows I made with my precious ego.

I am the Mother

I am the Dancer

I am the Pleaser

I am a Creator

I am the Writer

The Poet

The Story Teller

I am the Wife, Sister, Daughter.

I am I am I am

I mourn a youth so quick to escape, and with it every youthful dream that slipped quietly through my fingers,

yet every day I am reminded that all things transform.

And here I find that death becomes more beautiful with time.

Tears, tears and more tears

Shed on the land,

offerings to the trees, skies, every speck of dirt and the vast nothingness of air.

Where have I gone?

I take the dirt in my hands, watching as it slips through my fingers,

a final gesture of surrender,

a breath of release.

I smile and laugh at my solemn absolution.

Yes!

I tell myself we must part ways.

I want to sit in the dirt with desert flowers and rocks watching birds play in the sky.

I want to climb the red rocks until I’m taller than the trees listening for prayers on the wind while I cast mine to the skies.

This moment is good enough for now.

Maybe forever.

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